I have Endometriosis...don't worry it's not contagious :)

So almost a year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which is a disease having to do with the lining in the uterus. It occurs when tissue like that which lines the uterus (tissue called the endometrium) is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus. Not long after my husband and I got married, I started noticing that I would feel really crappy right after intercourse and would stay felling crappy for at least a whole day after ( if not more). I have always had problems concerning my girly parts. I started my period when I was 10 years old (which is WAY to young) and I dealt with terrible and sometimes debilitating cramps from the time I was 12 or 13. After a few months of dealing with this pain from intercourse I decided it was time to call up my doctor. At that time I was still seeing my old doctor from bloomington ( about an hour away from Peoria where I had just moved) so going to see the doc was kinda a big ordeal. She started discussing with me her concerns that I may have endometriosis, and talking about treatment options.
The only way to completely diagnose this disease is to have a laparoscopic surgery ( they stick a camera in through your belly button fill your belly up with gas and look around) because none of the other tests ( for any other possible problems) had come up with anything I decided to go ahead and have the surgery. During the surgery my doctor nicked my cervix and had to put it stitches which she didn't feel the need to tell me about ( I found out when they fell out early and I started bleeding everywhere) then she basically told me I was crazy, and that I didn't really have endometriosis but because I thought I did she was going to go ahead and give me the meds for it...I decide to find a new doctor. I started seeing the doctor that my best friend goes to, and it was like night and day. As soon as I showed him the pictures of my insides from the surgery ( which is really awesome that I have pictures of my insides) he pointed out 3 or 4 things that mean I have endometriosis. I was so happy that someone could give me an answer to what was wrong with me. by that point I was starting to get tired of playing the waiting game for test results and doctors appointments. Then he told me my treatment options and my heart sunk. I basically had 4 options ( other then an invasive surgery that would make my chances of infertility go up even more)
1) Norethindrone- a progesterone med that would stop my periods and hopefully stop the pain
2)Depo Lupron- a inject-able birth control that puts your body into temporary menopause (along with menopause symptoms...at my age I don't think so)
3)Get pregnant- pregnancy can many times stop and also reverse the damage caused my endometriosis...that is IF you can still get pregnant ( endometriosis can cause infertility)
4) Deal with it-what everyone wants to hear from their doctor

I decided to try out the norethindrone to see if that would help because at the time none of the other options seemed like the right thing for me. After 3 months of random spotting, terrible dizzy spells, feeling sick to my stomach, and no relief from the pain the meds were supposed to be helping I decided to stop taking them.
But now I am at a crossing...what do I try next...I am about to turn 22, I don't really want to be dealing with menopause right now. My husband and I have decided it is not the right time for us to have kids yet ( but probably in the next few years). That leaves dealing with it...
Dealing with it is what I have been doing for the last few years so I know I can do it, but I don't want to. I worry everyday that it is getting worse and that when nick and I do try to have kids that I wont be able to. I know its not the right time to have kids, but not knowing if you will be able to is a scaring thing and I have to be reminded of it every-time my husband and I have intercourse and I am in pain after. I realize this is all probably TMI for most people reading this, but it is something that I think about everyday, and getting it out of my head and on my blog might help me to work through my emotions.I know God is in control of everything but sometimes all this really feels very out of control. I know that God does not want his people to suffer, but I am suffering from physical and emotional pain. Now don't get me wrong, God has definitely blessed my life recently. I got a great job, my husband and I have been happy with our relationship, I have grown closer to some of my friends, things have really been looking up. I just wish so much I didn't have this little black rain cloud hanging over my life. I just pray that someday this will be over, and that someday I will be able to have the family I have always dreamed of.
Well I guess that's enough rambling for one night...thanks for reading!

My tattoos

OK, so I thought I would right a post about my tattoos. I have three and would love to have more...to bad these things cost money.

The first tattoo I got was about 3 years ago, I was 18, a freshman in college, and out on my own for the first time, and yes I still like it. I got it on my wrist, which hurt pretty bad, but not bad enough to keep me from getting more. I got the word ahavah (but written in Hebrew) and it mean love. I don't know if you are familiar with the organization call "to wright love on her arms" but I dealt with a lot of the same things in high school as this organization is spreading awareness about. When I first heard of the organization I knew right away I wanted to get a tattoo of the word love on my arm, but I wanted it to be different. Back in high school, one day at youth group we watched this video that I will never forget. It was part of a series called Nooma by Rob Bell, and it talked about the different words for love back in Jesus' time when they spoke Hebrew. There were 3 different words for our one word love, and they all meant different thing. This changed the way I thought about life, because I had always been confused by the word love and how in our culture we use one word to describe so many different emotions. In the video it said Ahavah was a never ending love, a Godly love, a love that could conquer all things. So that's what I decided to get on my wrist. Ahavah...now I can never forget how loved I really am.

My second tattoo I got not to long after I got married. One of my best friends was about to get married also, and the coolest part was her soon to be husband was best friends with my husband. Dusty and Megan have been great friends and we have had many wonderful times with them. Megan and I started talking one day and decided we should go get tattoos together. We decided to get the flowers that we both had in our weddings...orchids...on our feet, hers are green and mine are pink. Orchids are the most beautiful flowers in the whole world, and I think to both Megan and I they represent what a awesome, and beautiful relationship we have with our spouses, and we will never forget how beautiful our wedding days were. Oh an by the way, this picture was the day after I got the thing...so no my foot is not always bulging out of my shoes.

My third tattoo I got just recently, and it is a hard one to talk about. On Monday Sept 21 a dear friend, a woman that was like a second mother to me, a woman who came to my shows with the band whenever she could, a wonderful person and a friend to everyone she met, passed away of a heart attack. Rose Graf Rutledge was the mother of one of my best friends Sarah Rutledge. I will never forget getting that message on my phone, it was my friend Alana and she said the rose has passed away and that Sarah was on her way home from school. I burst into tears immediately, such a wonderful person as rose could not be dead! I spent the next week, crying when I was by myself and trying to smile when others were around. I drove to bloomington as soon as I got off work that night, and I helped Sarah with whatever she needed. The next day when we were out running errands ( you think grocery shopping and picking up the kids sucks) like going to the bank to close her accounts, and picking out flowers for her celebration ( we don't like funerals, rose wanted a party). we stopped for lunch with one of Roses best friends, and Sarah and I started talking. We decided we should all get tattoos in honor of Rose. We told everyone we know that is close to rose that we thought would join in and on Thursday we all went and got little rose flowers. Sarah and I both got ours behind our ears. It is a tattoo that will help me remember that life is precious and we never know when it might be over, so life like there is no tomorrow and treasure the time you have already had. Oh and PS to Rose up there in heaven...That Thing HURT!!

First thing's first

So I am new to this whole blogging thing, but I decided that I need to start putting my thoughs on paper...or computer screen I guess. I dont think that my life is to exciting, but like my header says I am just trying to figure out this crazy thing we call life. The good ( which I wish there were more of) The bad ( which sometimes get slightly overwhelming) and everything in between, is a part of life, and life is a gift from God.

One of the smartest woman I have ever know used to say..."it is what it is...so deal with it".